07 Jun 01

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Like I Wanted, Only Sadder

Today I went to the store, and I bought groceries that I like, filling my cart with tiny portions of scrumptious delights without fear of waste or neglect.

Day before yesterday I bought a two liter bottle of Coke(R) with the utter conviction that I would consume every single drop myself, unencumbered by any likelihood of pulling the bottle of the fridge with nothing in it. I've been smoking whenever I want, rather than after bedtime. I've been leaving work in a leisurely fashion; I don't have to bolt like crazy through evening traffic to be at an appointed place before an appointed time.

For all these luxuries, I'm depressed. My children are in Colorado. To stay. For a while.

For once my tiny apartment is the right size. Things stay where I put them. But the cat is lonely and desperate, and the fish are dying.

Much of the stress has just departed my life. But so has a decent portion of the joy as well.  

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