There's this running debate between my friend Marcus and myself on the distinction between swingers and polyamorists. Actually it's more about whether there is a distinction at all and what it might mean to insist that there is one if there actually isn't.
Here's my take. A polyamorist believes that love need not be constrained to only one person at a time. A swinger believes that sexuality need not be constrained to only one person at a time. These two attitudes may exist in the same person, or not, therefore some intersection of these sets is to be expected.
Marcus tells me that, in his experience, polyamorists are very vocal about the distinction, and being so implies that they feel somehow morally superior to swingers, since they fear so much being mistaken for them.
I think he's right insofar as the situation is about perception, but not about the superiority thing. It is true that many polys do not want to be confused with swingers, but the reason is a lot simpler and more practical than what he's talking about. It's a matter of hassle.
I don't mean hassle of persecution from the straight community. I mean the hassle of having your friends shove their friends at you, hoping for a hook-up. Or worse yet, having people shove themselves at you, hoping for a hook-up. If you aren't wired that way, these situations are inconvenient at best and mortifying at worst. Nobody likes rejection, and I don't think that many folks like enacting rejection either. So it becomes a matter of self preservation to try and avoid these situations.
What made me begin thinking of this again was something that happened a couple nights ago. A good friend of mine had a guest in town she badly wanted to introduce me to. When I got there, it became plain that this was meant to be a setup. And I had foiled it, by bringing Napalm with me.
The point of my visit had been to do some photography. She wanted me to have good pics for this journal, and she wanted some pictures taken of herself, and I wanted some pictures of the sacrificial animal for the presentations. We wound up not doing the photography of her at all (which made me sad because I like to take pictures), and the pictures of me necessitated the wear of skimpy pj's and suggestive positions. I played along gamely for a short while, but it just wasn't really my bag at all. The friend I was being introduced to was there ostensibly for artistic direction, and I didn't mind his company, but hooking up is not my bag either. I was friendly, but not inviting. I generally liked him as a person, and that was it.
I really, really appreciate her good intentions. But she was acting on a misunderstanding about my fundamental nature. I am not a "casual" (let's not get into a definition war) sex sort of person. My emotions are tied a lot tighter to sex than other people's seem to be, and it just isn't my way. And I don't want to fall in love again - not now, and probably not ever.
I'm happy. I am very happy now, and I don't need more entanglements.
Any poly who is not a swinger can tell you that this sort of thing happens to them again and again. If it's not friends setting them up, it's acquaintances approaching them, it's being pursued online, it's all kinds of uncomfortable behavior because people misunderstand your basic nature, and they don't grok the distinction.
There is a distinction, and it's important.
I told the Cherub today on the phone that poly is a lot more concerned with where your heart goes, and not so much where your private parts go. He seemed pretty satisfied with that.
