I changed my mind about going out to view the territory. It hit me that it probably would not be a fun day out, it would probably be a lot of arguing and conflict. It would be like talking to my mother on the phone.
     I dread talking to Mom on the phone, not because she is a bad person, because she most certainly is not. She's a dedicated, loving mom and will do just about anything for her kids, and other people too. Thing is, she has very definite ideas on what her kids should be doing, and she's like a bulldog about trying to get them to do it. That was all fine and good when we were children, but it makes checking in awfully hard as an adult.
     I am a stubborn individual. I am going to do what I perceive as the right thing, come hell or high water. My perceptions do change sometimes, but not because of any insistence on anyone's part. Sometimes a piece of evidence will fall into place and I realize that my assumptions were wrong and I change.
     Heartfelt insistence will not do the trick, and it hasn't really worked on me since I was 15.
     I love my mom. I love to talk to her. I feel more in common with her now than ever in my life. We can talk now about things I couldn't even imagine as a youthful woman. But I'd rather have all my teeth extracted without anesthesia than have to wrestle with her over where I am going to live. I cry hard at night thinking about not being able to live here. But if I were to go anywhere it would be Colorado, where my kids are.
     By the way, the job market in Colorado is brutal. I've been looking up listings the past couple days (executive assistant and administrative assistant), and while I get roughly 25 listings for the NJ area, about ten of which will be good positions, per day, the entire state of Colorado produces about eight. And they are ALL in the $8-10 per hour range. That doesn't look very good.