Which I thought was a pretty cute theory, since different partners want different things, and the pursuit of sexual greatness doesn't leave folks much energy for things like, oh, warfare and such. But somehow, from the get-go in the conversation, we got all entangled in a whole different dichotomy. It's the dynamic whereby a woman settles down with a man who is good to her, takes good care of her, treats her kindly, is there for her when she needs him, but she has an affair with someone who is a lot more exciting and dangerous because she finds her good man unsatisfying in bed.

I don't know, I can't recall having ever known anybody in that situation, but Wlofie says it happens all the time, is pretty much the norm. It has made him feel rather bitter about being one of the good guys.

Now, I've heard of something similar, but not quite the same. I've heard of the one where a woman continually passes by invisible Mr. Right because she has such low self esteem that she wants passionate displays that tend to twist over time until they result in restraining orders, but I don't think this is what we are talking about.

The crux of it is that good/bad, kind/abusive, skilled/unskilled, aggressive/respectful - these kinds of contrasts are totally not what I was talking about. Demon Lover and Master of Tenderness are two of my personal favorite stereotypes, and they both apply to people who are fantastic in bed. They refer to two different approaches to the same challenge - how to give a partner a whole lotta pleasure. Master of Tenderness saturates himself in tactile knowledge gained over time. He's sensitive, but not just in a listening-to-your-feelings sort of way. He seems to be listening to your skin, your breath, almost even the tips of your hairs vibrating. He knows more of what's going on with your body than you do, and he can play it like an instrument, like a cello. He stirs you up into a crescendo that bursts into a frenzied geyser of passion. He envelops you, entertwines with you. He nourishes and delights you.

Demon Lover plays your body like an instrument, too - like a piano in the hands of Jerry Lee Lewis. It's about energy and fire. It's explosions and car chases. He may saturate himself in tactile knowledge too, but he's more likely to divine the right direction and just barrel right though. The thing that separates him from the warp factor clumsy lover is communication and intuition. He's an animal, and you can't help but love it.

I'm painting these portraits with broad strokes. These are stereotypes; they don't accurately portray anybody.

It turned out that part of the big misunderstanding was a difference in personal interpretation of the word "tender". What he considers "tender" is what I consider "kind". What I consider "tender" is a helluva lot sexier than that. He also thought that the Demon Lover was about aggressiveness. While this stereotype might incorporate some strong initiative in bed, I dunno that aggressive is the word. I don't know what the right word might be.

Another aspect of the misunderstanding was confusing the sexual dynamic with the pick-up dynamic, which may be similar or it may be jarringly different. The person who "goes after" you rather than letting things take their course may or may not be the Demon. The person who does the opposite may or may not be Tenderness.

And of course, we haven't even touched on people who combine aspects of both, like Wlofie himself. He's a natural. He's so attuned to body language and mood reading that the mastery of tenderness is cake to him, and yet he's got the adventure thing going, and it's getting stronger all the time.