So, I talked to Rebar more about the things we discussed last night. I think he felt I was missing the point. Or points, for apparently there were several of them. One was that maybe I won't find out what I need until I am not in a sexual relationship with anybody, himself included (not that he wants out). One was that maybe my trying to have a polyamorous lifestyle could get out of control and harm me. Not polyamory as a principle, but my specific application of it. And one was that perhaps sex, in my case, or the acquiring of sexual relationships, is an addiction. That maybe something more is going on that just the notion of loving a lot of people in a romantic/sexual way. I am trying to summarize a lot of discussion here, so if I am not saying it right, or explaining well all the ground we covered, I am sorry.
     He said that perhaps I should seek out a group for those with sexual addictions, and I can understand that. Frankly, I'm interested, and intrigued. I dunno if it's some indication of brokenness on my part. I really don't know much of anything. It used to be important to me to defend polyamory in general and with respect to me in particular, but admittedly, I just don't know anymore. I never learned to date; it's just as possible I never learned to form good relationships either. I'm open to exploration about these things.
     I still want Rebar for my lover though. And I am not ready for celibacy, and may not ever be. It would have to be a pretty convincing case to make me adopt it. Monogamy, however, I can see. Finally.
     One point I didn't make today that I wanted to was that I was faithful to my husband for five years. If he had treated me better, it could have gone on much longer. For a couple of those years, I was even happy about monogamy. It's not hard to imagine monogamy with someone who treats me well.
     And I have not stopped loving people whom I love. And I will not stop telling them how I feel about them, or asking them how they are, or taking care of them as best I am able. That's very important to me. For whatever reasons I came to love them, the fact is that I do, and I hope they know it. That's not going away.