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13 September 1998 |
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Am I too demanding? There was a time when I was so proud of how low maintenance I was, with respect to relationships. I don't need flowers and gifts. I don't need the constant presence of a lover. I don't require inclusion in every activity the lover engages in. So many people I've observed do need these things. And people fulfill those needs. But it was never my way. I am learning, though, that I do demand quite a bit of affirmation. I require contact. Or maybe that is just until a certain stage of security is reached. These thoughts are jumbled, incomplete. Back when I pursued a certain AW person, and often got indications that I was special to him, breaks in contact left me insecure. I never really knew if he was just toying with me or really did care or was afraid of me or what. There were such highs and such lows. There were moments of incredible closeness, his vulnerability gaping, his light breaking through his walls of pain, followed by long weeks of silence. These were so painful. There came a time when we laid it all out. What I felt, what he felt, why he became so silent, why I got so hurt. We reached a balance. And agreement. He stopped running, and I stopped chasing. And I've been secure ever since then. We don't talk so much now. He is very busy, very tired, often sick. Much of the time his work takes him away to make house calls. Much of the time he is practicing his paying hobby. But I know where I stand. Every message is special. He messaged me today just to be sure that I am ok. What a treasure. The nights I used to cry about him are so far away now. I've written and deleted a paragraph here three times. It's about past relationships and how they seem to get hung up on a stage when I don't know where I stand, when I don't know whether I'm important or not, really. Whether I'm a presence in the person's life or just a plaything. Relationships have failed on this point, as with Robin. And others have gotten past it and flourished. I have to remember, that at this stage, it was usually an issue that the other person did not discuss with me, but caused some distress, and that distress caused the rift. Maybe it requires the right mix of patience and contact to ease through it. I'm so unsure. I need more faith. Faith that if it is right, it will progress. It will reach a stage of security and trust. Maybe I'm scared that it isn't right, but I want it so badly, I don't entertain the idea. I need to breathe deep and have faith in the natural workings of the world, the natural processes. If it is right, it will happen. I have to be there for him, to reassure him that I am there for him, and give him the space he needs to work out what he needs to. I have examples of success to look toward. I have stable relationships to encourage me. Faith, patience, and love. A mantra, maybe. --Spring
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