I can't leave the puter on standby anymore.  The power supply (not the battery) gets so freaking hot you can smell the plastic.  It can't be good.  It's ok thought because now that I have found the magic formula for booting it up, it's not that much trouble anymore.  It does crash at least once per session, though.
    (And it promptly did, right after I wrote another paragraph that hadn't been saved yet.  I don't recall what I wrote about, just that I was passionate about it at the time and wanted to write it again immediately, but couldn't get the damned thing booted right away.)
    
    Well, I get to be the network admin for this monster we are getting in a couple more weeks.  The thing will be an NT server connected to a mish-mash of old and new computers, some of which run Win98 and some Win95.  Add to that a plethora of Palm Pilots, one set for sales people and one set for delivery people.  Now throw in docking stations to the network for same, plus modems both to the network and at sales people's homes so's they can upload data, and then some connectivity for a laptop.  All this stuff is getting specialized accounting and route planning software, about which I know zippo at the moment.  The good thing is that the two puters I lent to the business are coming back to me.  That's a beautiful thing.  The downside is that I gotta learn to administer all this stuff.  But that's an upside too, really.  My personal worth will be much higher once I've gotten the swing of that, and I'll be better positioned to ask for a raise.  Thank goodness this move comes at the end of the summer, when I can cut back on events a little to get this done, and when the kids have gone back to their dad so I can live at work.
    
    I discovered last week that I have the kind of ego usually (perhaps wrongfully) attributed to men:  enormous and fragile.  I take a whole lot of pride in what I do and how it reflects on me and whether I am appreciated or not.  I found out that I make a lot less money than others here to whom I feel at least equal, some of whom have not even a fraction of themselves invested in the company.  This enraged me.  I let myself seethe for a few minutes then reminded myself that a lot of bennies have come my way that are not particularly tangible and wouldn't be reflected on my salary figure.  But, see, I'd much rather make less money and have it in the open and acknowledgeable than make more and have some of it not show up, so that it looks like less.  Clear as mud?
    When I took this job, when asked what kind of salary I was looking for, I named a figure, saying I could not possibly survive on less.  I settled for five grand less than that on the promise that a raise would be on its way in short order.  My bills are routinely past due and it's really bad during the summer, when I have child care to handle as well.  I don't like picking and choosing which creditor gets satisfaction and which one will have to wait.  I hate what's happened to my credit rating over the last year.  Dammit, I'd like to make it to a payday with a bit more than $20 left from the last one.
    I don't like being put in charge of something then having my hands tied.  I don't like being asked for a recommendation and then not being afforded the chance to present my findings.  I don't like having to scream to be heard.
    
    I haven't lost my leadership skills.  As we've grown, quite a flock of troops have amassed in the Admin department.  I have to credit The Golden Child with my re-awakening.  The husband of the illustrious Joy of many months ago, his appearance here was one I dreaded.  I was soooo wrong.  He came to take a VP seat and help smooth out the operation, and that he has done.  In spades.  And he's invested confidence in me, plus some really great ideas.  He's inspired me all over again, during a time when I'm so, so tired.  And it's not just me, it's everybody.  Everybody has a new drive and it's good to see.  So, now that my role as leader of the Admin section has been reaffirmed, and the Admin section of the Brooklyn operation had come under my wing also, I think I'm flowering, and flourishing, again.  This is good.

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