This morning really sucked, but the day got better as it went, pretty much.  I was so tired.  It was very hard to fall asleep last night, benadryl notwithstanding.  There wasn't any snoring.  Of course that gave Brooklynguy a whole new idea to exploit:  snoring audio cassettes for newly divorced singles.
    I have a little bear called Toughie.  He's been with me through Desert Storm and worse.  I had lent him to Rebar for the nights he couldn't spend with me, because he was having trouble sleeping without me.  I found him in the kitchen after Rebar left the other day.
    In the morning email Rebar sent a note saying throw the shaving kit away.  In fact he wanted me to either keep or toss anything he left here.  Damn.  Wish he'd left a gun.  
    It's hard for me to toss stuff that's useful.  I was irritated.  What the hell am I gonna do with a dozen pack of legal pads, a size 3X sweater, and a cloth handkerchief?  I almost gleefully accepted the shaving kit bag - it's nice, leather.  I'd never rummaged around in it before, but now I could, sorting out the tossables from the usables.  Anything usable but not by me, like razors and shaving cream, went into the high cabinet for just in case my dad ever comes to visit.  Cloth hanky went there too.  Found a small squirty bottle of his aftershave.  I love the smell of the stuff.  I gave Toughie a nice patting with it.  Benadryl - very handy.  Toothbrush case - hey I needed one of those!  The toothbrushes can be for cleaning, I guess.  Except I don't clean that much.  Or that studiously.
    I sat on the sofa and snuggled Toughie under my neck, gently caressing his face and breathing the spiciness of the air around him and closed my eyes and remembered.  My fingers were lightly touching the soft bristles of his red beard, carefully tracing the wrinkles of his eyes, gently sweeping the lines of his forehead, glancing over his sandy silvery hair.  Breathing deeply, I nuzzled the bottom edge of his beard with my nose, pressing my face into his neck, kissing lightly his freckled skin.  I remembered the feeling of settling comfortably into his arms, of sinking into that dark and gentle well of acceptance and love.  And the feeling came again.  That feeling of sublime and tender happiness.  And it was okay.
    For the first time today I stopped focusing on what I lost, and reveled in what I had found.  It is still accessible.  It is still with me, even if the source is gone.
    
    Brooklynguy came over for a little while this evening.  His pep talk yesterday had helped me gain a new perspective on my life and what I was doing with it.  He was coming over to spend a little time looking out for me, and he offered to snore for me.  Heh.  Truthfully he was very tired.  He lay beside me on the bed, resting.  I couldn't relax.  He held me.  He's a good friend.  He loves me.  He's horny, too.  It's not the same.  It can't be.
    I'll take his friendship and offer mine in return.  I'm not up to anything else.
    
    I don't really need a vow of celibacy.  The way I feel, it will be the easiest vow in the world to keep.