Rollin Like Thunder
It's been storming past couple of days. I find that soothing. Gray is soothing. Twilight is soothing.
I've been pretty gone lately, in a lot of ways. Freaking out about the money I don't have and have been unsuccessful at getting. Freaking out about how my children, especially my younger, are failing to learn. Freaking out about all the many, many, many things I'm responsible for but don't have the time and energy to attend to. Freaking out about not giving my honeys enough sex. Freaking out about whatever I did to cause whichever bad mood wlofie is in at any given time. Freaking out about whether Napalm is feeling neglected. Freaking out about whether my older kid is feeling neglected. Deeply missing my closer friends with whom I haven't exchanged so much as a word in well over a month, or two, or three. Dentistry. Optometry. Reading therapy. Psychiatry. Custody. Failure to gain weight. Cable. DSL. GameCube. I REALLY fucking hate GameCube. I want to bash it with a bat into tiny, tiny pieces.
The wrinkles are here. The gray hair is coming. My teeth hurt all the time from clenching. I feel another outbreak coming on - that's two in two months, something that hasn't happened since I was first diagnosed. I'm depressed, I'm angry, and I'm tired. I am soooo soooo tired. I don't get enough sleep and day after day after day of battling my older on matters of habit and my younger on EVERYthing are eroding me to a nub. I need so much help, but I have no idea who's willing AND able to help.
My young one needs a confidant. As a parent, I am singularly unqualified to fulfil this role. He needs to be able to talk out all these feelings that have been messing him up since he first heard his father was coming down for a visit. Things have been getting worse and worse and worse, even though the man has come and gone already. My younger holds deep hurts and grudges and serious, serious guilt. I'm trying really hard not to guilt him more, but it's so difficult, when he's being sooooo difficult.
He is often so very, very difficult. Every day is a jungle-hacking trek to Macchu Picchu. I'm fucking tired.
I've been stealing time from important things in order to escape. I feel so much futility that it doesn't seem to matter much to set aside my lame attempts to make money and fall into a movie, to put away my pathetic efforts at teaching my children to plunge into a book.
Whine whine whine. Bitch moan complain. I'm tired of hearing myself.
I hate that fucking GameCube.
It sounds like you need a holiday, really badly! I wish I had the wherewithal to provide you with one. Life really does get wearing, sometimes, doesn't it. Kids and spouses and work and food and cleanup and laundry all can be a neverending burden. You aren't responsible for wlofie's bad moods, of course -- that jumped right out at me. And you aren't a superwoman either, who can give everybody what they need all the time. Especially when you don't have time and energy to fill yourself up first. And what's this about needing to gain weight? I thought you have been trying to lose it, all this time. Oh I am so out of the loop of your life.
Anyway, just want to say I'll be here if there's anything I can do, though there probably isn't. Still, maybe you are expecting too much of yourself, being too hard on yourself.
And I don't know what a Game Cube is, but maybe you *should* throw it away since it's sticking so badly in your craw. Simplify, simplify?
Three weeks ago I found out my mom has terminal cancer. My priorities got a very fast reshuffle. The first thing that got less face time was this computer. What a meaningless piece of crap it is, taking so much of my time and attention when I could be making memories with the people right in the room with me. The second thing was all the other stuff I was worried about, like getting vegetables and flowers planted, and making money, and even making meals. Fuck that. All I wanted was to get to where my mother is, and spend time with her. The rest of it doesn't matter much on the scale of things right now.
You've got a lot going on. Find someone to support you, instead of berating yourself for not supporting others enough. Maybe this is when you will find out who your real friends are.
Good luck to you, Stace. I'm sending you lots of love, and wish I could be close by to give you a hug and a kiss on the forehead and a cup of hot tea. I'm pretty sure you are handling yourself with a lot of strength in the face of everything going on in your life, and you just don't realize it.
Love,
Kate
Kate <twoshoes@sasktel.net>
- Tuesday, June 08, 2004 at 11:06:56 (EDT)
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