| Guest Appearance By Brooklynguy:
People Should Come With Instructions
She was right. Talking through the computer, all of the preconceived notions about what a person looks like or their tone of voice goes right out the window. "Three weeks online equals three months in real space," she typed to me. I fell in love. In addition to being a sexually monogomous person, I have an obsessive, compulsive kind of personality. When I love someone it is totally and with my whole heart and all I have to give. When the person I love tells me what makes her happy and states her goals, there isn't anything I wouldn't do help her achieve all she wants to. I don't ask for reward, my pleasure is derived from helping someone help themselves and watching them grow. I don't want a dependent person, I thrive on having a person love me more and more, the more they become independent. I so desperately need to be loved by someone who wants to love me. So here starts the rub. The more we chatted over the months my Spring helped me learn what polyamourous meant. Assume now that I know the true meaning of being polyamourous. She says that she needs to give to everyone that she loves, doesn't need to take from any of em. I have to discuss hurt. There is always hurt when two people share space. The amount of love people have for each other can be measured by their desire to a) learn and understand what hurts the other person and try not to do it and b) one's ability to sooth the other person when they cause an unintentional, inavoidable hurt. Most men have the most trouble with "b" cause most men find it hard to say they are sorry. A lot of men have trouble with "a" cause they are just plain selfish and insensitive. Most women have no trouble at all with "b." Most Women have a lot of trouble with "a" cause they always think they are right and men are wrong. There is small hurt and there is big hurt. F'rinstance: small hurt begins when a guy gets up from the breakfast table and pours himself a cup of coffee, without thinking to see if she needs a refill too. Hurt deepens when she takes the time to explain that he should have checked her cup, and he doesn't the next time he gets up to fill his own cup, without thinking about hers. Now hurt turns to grudge. Little hurt, little grudge. Big hurt happens when a person needs love and support after making a decision to start their own business and the space sharer laughs and makes jokes and is unsupportive. It turns to grudge when the peace decreases instead of increasing. One has to be polyamourous to understand the pleasure derived from it, just like a monogomous person can understand what gives him/her the pleasure from loving just one person. It's this guys opinion, from the outside looking in, that being polyamourous, one leaves one's self open for big and little hurts from many, many sources. And managing all those hurts can be a humongous and time/emotion consuming undertaking. Me, I would rather take the time and learn one person thoroughly, totally and wonderfully and give that person my all. If people came with instructions, then maybe we could avoid the total devestation that comes from "oh, by the way, I know we fell in love already, but can you handle me being polyamouous..." or " oh, by the way, I expect we will have a monogomous relationship..." Oil and water. Two people with totally different views of love, in love. To make it work one has to give in to the other's view. That could work for a week or a month or a year but eventually like with all hurts and grudges the person who has given in blows up like a runaway freight train and runs away. It's too much hurt for long periods of time. There can be no halfway to this conflict. If it's gonna work for the long haul, one genuinly has to see the light of the other person's ways and change his/her own views and become the other voluntarily. The other answer is don't ask/don't tell, hang out, observe the way the other person handles the love and make up your own mind quietly. My Spring is deciding whether or not to give hubby a second chance. As for me, she is already scared of compromising her polyamourous ways by manifesting the fear of compromise in talk of "just getting out of one relationship without any space of being single...not ready for another commitment". Bulletin Spring Dew: we have already fallen in love, we already have a commitment, your fear is more compromise after four years of hurt, grudge and compromise. Work on building up the business you recently started my beloved and lets stop labeling everything else. I am here, and here I'll stay. SpringDew Web Design is being nurtured into a real business. Her first real, paying client sent her the first check this week. She would never ask, and will probably be mad at me for saying it here, but she could use some help. I proved to her over the last three weeks that her first step towards being able to concentrate on her business was to get her kids into day care. She found through her own research that day care was more affordable than she ever thought. Her beautiful boys are in daycare now, but $200 per week is still a big bite for someone with a new business and just a few clients. I am helping her with advice, money and shoulder, as much as I can. So, all of you people who love and have been loved by Spring Dew, send her $20 per week for the next several weeks and prove your love with some support. If just ten of you would do that, her child day care would be covered so she can concentrate on her business. She is moving forward and growing and gaining the one important thing, the first step in truly being able to be her own person and make her choices freely instead of out of desperation. Her independence. -- Brooklynguy
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