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| In case you haven't noticed, I have been uploading
my journal entries in bursts of two or three at a time. I am sorry,
I know that's annoying, to go a few days on nothing and then BOOM there
are a bunch to read at once. I jsut get so damned busy, and I start
an entry and don't finish it right off, and then the time has passed rather
suddenly. It seems like just last night I loaded the entries for
the 19th and 20th, but it wasn't.
I spend most of my time playing catch-up. Seems like everything is always a little behind. Some things seem a lot behind. You could say that means I have entirely too much on my plate, but I get the feeling that if, miraculously, most of my commitments and duties dropped off the planet, I'd establish some more. I seem to thrive on the pace. It's like when running on the run team years ago. I was the slowest one in the "fast enough to be competitive" group, and needed the pressure of the other runners to keep my perfomance up. Maybe I need that in all my life's aspects. Not so much pressure from others. I hate that, but pressure from within, the urge to do better, be faster, be stronger, be smarter, I need that. So maybe I need the feeling of being depended upon to stoke that fire, to rev that engine. It just doesn't happen at a constant speed, or rather, the impetus keeps jumping between subjects, so that while I am all revved up over one thing, the others lag a bit. I just had an image in my mind of a large space, like a basketball court, and a line of bowling balls. I am herding the whole line of them to the other end, shoving one then shoving another, and of course, the ones not being shoved at that moment are slowing down. I think I know some other people who do this too. :) |