Just Call Me Green
The Planner.
Nobody makes me cry like Zach
does. Wish I could say that in a good way, as in, "His music is so
exquisite, his paintings so sublime, his poetry so riveting, he makes me
cry." I can't. Nobody breaks my heart like he does.
I'm still angry. This isn't one of those trips
where the chick is angry cuz the guy can't read her mind cuz she won't
communicate with him so it's no big surprise that he Just Doesn't Get It.
He never got it, no matter how fully I tried to communicate it with him.
My hands went numb from typing, my face went numb with tears; my heart
never went numb, dammit. I called on the phone; I'd have gone to
visit if I could, if it would've helped. Still might.
Hi, I'm Green. I'm too far away. I make
him tingle. And I can assure you, if I lived next door, it wouldn't
help. We would still be too far apart for it to work. The distance
isn't geographical. It's how far his heart is from mine.
Good luck with the girl, Z. And, God forbid,
never ever let her find out you have no self-esteem, or she is outta there.
Lately I have gotten to participate in three studies,
with a fourth on the horizon. Back in the fall there was a study
on the wild west mentality of the Active
Worlds community. Right now there is another going on about how
lesbian and bi women come out, and the third is about peoples' perceptions
of others based solely on textual conversation. Now there is another,
and I hope my input is useful. I am not sure what the thrust of the
study will be, but it has something to do with social interaction, self-expression,
and interaction among the user base and between it and the powers-that-be
in Active Worlds, i.e. Circle of Fire and their predecessors, Worlds, Inc.
Hey, sounds like loads of fun.
I feel a bit better now, got some of my anger worked
out. One of the things I have to remember is that not everyone lives
in the same world I do. A lotta people do, but not everyone.
In some circles it's perfectly fine to say things you don't really mean,
just kinda sorta intend. In some places it's not considered giving
your word if you don't actually use the phrase "...and you have my word
on that." I hold myself to astringent levels of honesty that are
considered absurd elsewhere, but that's how I was raised, and in most of
the places I have lived, it's stood me in good stead.
If I am ever to live in New York, I must be more
flexible. I must not "stand on ceremony." Hehe this expression
cracks me up. When I first learned it, standing on ceremony meant
doing things in a textbook way, formally, rigidly. Standing on ceremony
meant never calling a social or vocational superior by their first name,
girls never calling boys on the phone, things like that. It had nothing
to do with holding a person to their word. I must adapt. I
must redefine. I must loosen up. And yes, I have to learn a
new kind of trust.
Right now I only got two kinds of trust, presence
or absence. I gotta learn provisional trust. No that's not
a good word. Conditional? I need a word that means trusting
someone for major stuff only, for when he makes a point of swearing and
promising and giving the official "you have my word." This kind of
trust would mean not getting bent out of shape over the lesser things.
See, most trust goes the other way. We trust
people with the little stuff, and as they show more trustworthiness, the
stakes go up. I guess I need to learn donut trust. Trust with
a hole in the middle. Reverse trust? I dunno. I'll figure
it out though, cuz it's worth it. It's well worth it.
For the second night in a row, I am craving lemons.
Luckily, I have some.
I have the opportunity to buy an old computer, a
Kaypro 16 2E. This thing looks ancient, but it's only from '86.
I posted to a message board at the website of an obsolete computer museum,
about how much I should offer. One answer was $35 without the manuals
and software. So I figure I'll offer $50, since she has not only
the manuals and software, but the receipt and a copy of the loan agreement.
She bought this machine herself for $2000 in '86. Besides, she is
a friend and a nice one, it doesn't hurt to give a bit extra.
The other answer I got was that she should pay me
$50 to haul it away.
The Gus just discovered
the Water Snake. I guess these things take time to get around.
I had one eight or ten years ago. And yes, it's kind of perverted,
but pleasant. It's like a water balloon with a hole through the middle,
kind of a stretched-out donut. It slips out of your grasp very quickly
if you aren't careful. It looks like something you might find in
a sex toy catalog under the category "Masturbators."
link o' the day:
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