Anyway, the warehouse pages need the most work, cuz two are trying to perform the role of one, and I don't think you should divide up entries over more than two pages, one for current entries and one for archives.

Today wasn't devoid of low points.  Every now and then I feel compelled to "put out" in order to keep the discord from becoming too much to bear, can tell when it's necessary by the level of tension in the household.

It's so hard to make the body lie.  You can say words, I can say words, which are right, which sound right, which carry the right tone.  But the body betrays.  I can achieve enough arousal to make possible the task, but not enough to prevent pain.  See, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.  When we were newlyweds, and before that, I think my level of excitement was sufficient to let me accomodate the extra length without pain.  Who knows?  Maybe it was childbirth that robbed me of this elasticity, but I can't help but think it's because my heart isn't in it.  Whatever the reason, my insides get beaten and bruised, and that isn't fun.

No, don't say foreplay will help.  I know that already.  I can't bear foreplay under these conditions, because to me foreplay is tenderness and caring and the buildup of arousal through attentiveness.  Again, the heart needs to be in it.  It's so hard to caress and nuzzle and stroke and all that other stuff when you know you are doing this out of obligation, not because you actually feel like showing this affection.

This is very sad because he wants to be attentive, to show me affection.  He really does love me, he really wants to be good to me.  To be good for me.  It makes me feel ungrateful and mean.  But I cannot respond well without peace in the house.  There must be peace in the house.  And that is something he will never allow to happen.

So I fuck.  And once alone, I cry.  Briefly, then mop up the tears and get on with life.

Get on with life.

Did I ever mention I hate the weekends?

Oh, one of the good points of my day was the bird.  Not an extended finger, an actual bird, some kinda green bird.  We were having supper at someone's house, and that someone has a pet bird that is tame enough to be let out of the cage.  The bird stayed in the cage all through supper, then after cleanup, the lady opened the cage and let it free.  Well as free as you can get inside a house and with clipped wings.  Everyone ooohed and aaahed and made more conversation, and then it was time to go.  Then this bird, wary as it is of strangers, started pecking at my sweater.  I had gotten within range of its perch on top of the cage.  Then it hopped right onto my shoulder!  It sidled over to my face and rubbed my cheek with its feathery head and then gave me kisses, actually extremely gentle pinches, all around the corner of my mouth and bottom lip.  I was so startled.  It's true that I get on well with animals in general, but never had I gotten friendly with a bird.  The dear thing didn't want to leave my shoulder, and fought off the hostess' attempts to remove it so I could get my jacket on.  I am still amazed.

And no I am not being heartless calling the bird "it."  The fact is, nobody knows its gender.  The hostess said that with this particular species, you can't really tell the sex until it either lays an egg or helps some other bird lay one.