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Saturday 30 May 98 10:01 pm
To borrw and adapt a practice from the
Gus, one I had not intended to adopt, as the candor of this chronicle
is something not to be compromised, I'm establishing a mailing
list to which I may send updates to this journal whose content is too
risky to store here. It is meant to be a temporary practice, one
of oh, say two weeks (is there an echo in here?) at which point I intend
to resume normal operations. There will still be entries here, of
the usual vagueness and distraction; the list is just a supplement.
Snippets of News
Friday 29 May 98 3:00 pm
Yes I am playing hooky from work, just a little
while, to write. I been going like crazy all week, and I need to
get some of this out before the weekend.
I am very excited, things are looking way up, but
way busy, which means entries might be scant over the next, oh, say two
weeks. Then after that, there may be some normalcy; I mean prior
to the past two months kind of normalcy, like working days and playing
nights, that kinda thing. Oh wow, amazing. Except I don't expect
to be online during the weekends, I'll be doing stuff with my kids and
hopefully sometimes pursuing beer, company, and live music.
I am losing yet more weight. I saw the angularity
of my hand yesterday, the harshness of the veins and bones. That
was disconcerting. My hands look more and more like my mom's.
My face does too, with each passing year. I used to be the very image
of my dad, but age and loss of fat makes her Native American eyes and cheekbones
stand out on my face.
Misha the Other (and now only) Dog has been coming
along with me on my rounds. He likes the front seat, he likes meeting
people, and he likes pooping in unusual locations. Note to self:
pack more paper towels and plastic bags in my purse.
I feel better now about Keeps in his new home, especially
now that I have visited him a couple times. The family has older
children who adore him and do not torture him the way toddlers will do.
The parents are more patient and loving, and understanding of doggy nature.
They don't beat him, from what I can tell. He seems extremely happy,
and that, in the end, makes me happy, though Boober (ahem - C3PO, I mean)
told me solemnly day before yesterday, "Mommy, we will get Keeper back,
and then you will be happy." I explained to him that we are not brining
Keeper back, and that I am happy, and all the happier cuz Keeps
is happy.
The hornies are creeping up on me again, made all
the more compelling thanks to some scandalous emails I've received lately.
I've also felt like writing a couple scandalous emails, and that will do
it to me every time.
10:54 pm
I have a little wine in me, and am beginning to
unwind. I went to Jewish services tonight. Getting the family
moving for that is always a bit harried; the nearest shul is 30-45 minutes
away, depending on traffic. It was a fantabulous service, the graduation
for the 3rd grade Hebrew school class, and they got active roles in the
service and were presented with prayer books,. It was very touching.
Had a little talk with the sitter today. Oh
yeah, I haven't mentioned, the kids have been the last two weeks with a
new sitter. Twink's kid got sick and stayed sick for a long time,
and Twink is going to move soon anyway, so the kids have a new sitter.
She charges less, has longer hours, but lets them see more TV than I like.
Anyway, I called her while the kids were down for a nap yesterday and appraised
her of my situation in life. For legal reasons (as well as economic
ones) it's good that she knows.
Went to visit Twink the other day. C3PO missed
her dreadfully the other morning, so I told him we'd go see her.
Her kid is feeling better, though she may have an autoimmune disease that
will keep her on steroids for life. At least the fever is down and
she can go back to school for the few remaining days. Twink herself
looked gorgeous, though a bit gaunt for worry. She was wearing her
glasses, which I like, and spoke so animatedly. Sometimes, I even
think she is flirting with me. If so, it's subtle, but I like her
attention quite a bit.
Skin Food
Tuesday 26 May 11:30 am
Every once in awhile I like to run a search on
Spring Dew to see if the search engines have picked up much of my sites,
and to see if I get mentioned anywhere else (yes I do have my periods of
vanity) and sometimes I get some fun results. These results from
Infoseek:
xiaoming
zhu's Home Page - The home of Spring Dew Skin Food. Three pounds of
fruits and veggies have to bite the dust to make just 1.8 oz. of this stuff.
New Poems - Not so new
at all, a page of submissions to Live
Poet's Society, of which I'm a member, unless it's been too long since
my last submission and I've been booted. One of my poems is broken;
I should re-submit.
OzNet's
Non-Linear History of the Branson Area - Featuring a piece called "He
Did It All For Us," a Christian piece containing the words "in the spring,
dew covered grass".
Kotex - Info - Becoming
a Woman - This guide through puberty notes that as you mature, your
body may begin to smell, necessitating deodorant. "A consumer wonderland
of fresh rain, meadow, baby powder and spring dew roll-on, stick and spray
options is now open to you."
Easter
- A nostalgic piece about the holiday in the Ukrainian town of Lemkivshchyna.
Yes I did copy/paste that name; I do not trust my ability to spell anything
Ukrainian, sorry.
The Line
of the North - A genealogy of Ealdormere, apparently a Society for
Creative Anachronism character.
The weather is lovely again. A trip out at
lunchtime seems to be in order. Think I will pack a sandwich or something,
though. Don't feel like spending, if it can be helped.
I am so happy today, a combination of several nice
effects, I think. There's a very good strong job possibility that
I positively lust after. An enormous amount of responsibility, much
to prove, the kind of challenge I love to get hold of. Last night
was full of pleasant dreams, so much so, in fact, that I woke as content
as if heaven had moved for me. Then, of course, the Huz hasn't been
around much today; that right there is enough to induce bliss.
Laurel Francis
Monday 25 May 98 7:43 pm
It had many trappings of a terrific day.
Nice leisurely hiking in the woods with kids and dog, marveling at a small
but fast-moving river, exploring rocky ruins that I suspect once composed
a mill house, strolling about a historic main street lines with herb shops
and art stores and markets of many kinds, a roast in the oven, some good
coffee, some great movies in the VCR. Much, much to be enjoyed today
except for one thing.
Uh huh, you guessed it. Kind of hard to enjoy
all these fine things with nasty words and disparaging remarks every five
minutes or so from someone who claims to love you. Taking control
of my joy was harder today than any other. I seethed with hatred.
The title of this entry refers to where I first
got the idea that peace could exist in a family. See, when I was
growing up, I remember an idyllic period that extended up to around my
sixth birthday, then all hell breaking loose thereafter. Additional
siblings, step-paternal alcoholism, some spouse abuse, some child abuse,
lots of nasty stuff. The scarred remnants of my mom's family was
dysfunctional at best, even after she extricated us from the great danger.
There was never peace in the house, not even for a short stretch.
I was Mormon then,
and there was a family I spent a great deal of time with. The Francises
saw a lot of the hurt in me, I think, and showed me how life can be good
at home. I am not saying their kids were angels who never misstepped,
but the way they handled it was so loving and accepting of the children's
inherent worthiness, that the peace glowed in the very corners of the hallway.
I saw their life and hungered after that kind of life for myself, for my
children.
I think Laurel would have been quick to attribute
that peace to the guidance of the holy spirit and the benevolence of god,
by their strong faith and testimony. I dunno bout all that, but what
I did notice was that each person treated the other with respect and love.
Nobody was assumed to be guilty, assumed to be bad or wrong. Even
the adults were sure to use please and thank you when addressing each other,
a first to me. It was heaven on earth to me.
I will have a family like that, a home like that,
a haven against the cruelties of the outside world, a place where we all
feel accepted and loved.
8:54 pm
In the alt.polyamory newsgroup, which I certainly
wish I had the time to thoroughly read - the people are magnificent, I
found a message whose truth hit me so hard that it stunned me completely.
It fit so well in the context of my life now and in my adolescence that
I asked its author for permission to reprint it. Ray "Bear" Dillenger
was kind enough to say yes, and the excerpt that made such a difference
was this:
The important thing, I thought, was simply this; alienation
(from whatever cause) tends to retard the development of the set
of attitudes and skills I referred to as "emotional maturity" --
and the development of those skills is the main thing that helps
put an end to alienation.
What I finally experienced in college was something I'd never
had; a peer group. There were people who shared the same kind
of freakishness I had, and other people who accepted and respected
us as friends. I learned better attitudes toward people, and
social skills, and how to accept people as valid even though different
from me, darn quick once that happened.
But it had to happen! without having the example of other
people who took the same gift/curse and did something utterly different
with it, I'd have gone on thinking that I was all there was -- that
that one thing *defined* me, and that anyone who had it must be just like
me.
Without people who valued me as a friend and didn't toss me away the
moment I became inconvenient to their interaction with others, I'd never
have learned the value of friends.
Now, I learn fast when the conditions are there; that's part of the
whole thing. But the conditions had to be there before I could start
learning this stuff at all.
This is basic relationship dynamics I think. There has to be a
peer group before someone cans learn to interact with and value other people.
On an unconscious level, I knew this. It's why
I have been looking for peers in meatspace with whom I might identify,
and form friendships in a context that would help me regain my atrophied
social skills, and also grab onto that wonderful feeling that is belonging,
sharing, all that stuff. But you don't know what you know until someone
(sometimes it's even you yourself) points it out to you. Ray Pointed
it out for me, and I thank him.
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