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7 February 2000 |
| Pull My Finger
Ok, it's getting to the point where I just can't take it anymore. It's killing me. It's not just the pain and discomfort, it's how horribly embarrassing it is. I mean, most of the time I can keep it under wraps in public situations, at least for awhile, although some days I visit the bathroom often enough to make my friends wonder if I have a hidden habit of some kind. Especially if I'm sniffly. I hate gas. A lot. I know you probably don't want to hear any of this. Just click Previous or Next and keep on going. I don't want to sicken you. I just want to wail in misery. My intestines are fucked. This I already know and I was seeing a gastroenterologist for it before joblessness got me off my insurance. I got problems more yucky than gas, but they don't flare up all that often. The gas, however, is an almost daily ordeal. Everything I eat gives me gas. Everything. Can't stay away from the hot buttons cuz they are all hot. I wonder if a fast would help. Which reminds me of a joke. This woman goes to a doctor and says, "I dunno if this is even worth trying to fix. I have this flatulence all the time, but it's silent and odorless. The discomfort isn't so much, so maybe I should leave it alone." The doctor gives her a prescription and says come back in a week. The next week she comes in and she's madder than hell. "I have no idea what you gave me, Doc, but now my farts smell godawful disgusting. I'm much worse off than before. Thank god they are still silent, though." The doctor yells, "Good. Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's see what we can do with that ear infection." The kids have taken to calling me The Spleen. It's the character on Mystery Men who has the superhuman power of knocking people unconscious with his farts. I'm also getting called Captain Fartfurter. Sigh. None of this hurts my feelings. I know what it is to be a small child and it's not meant to be mean. Hell I find it all funny, too, except on days when it hurts just to move. Ah well. We'll get it fixed before long. Just don't pull my finger. --Spring
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